Cinna-MAN Rolls

These rolls are actually a variation on my favorite bread dough recipe.  I learned this recipe while I was living with a family in Oregon for a brief period, back when I was single and free to wander.  The mother of said household was kind enough to share her recipe with me after I got hooked on her dinner rolls.  Naturally I had to convert the recipe into a dessert.

I call the recipe Cinna-MAN rolls.  They are named thus because they seem to turn out better if a man makes them.  For eons the mechanism behind this phenomenon remained a mystery, however through serious thought, and extensive research, I have finally elucidated the reason why men are better at making Cinna-MAN rolls:

Men are Lazy and Impatient.

I shall explain.  Good Cinna-MAN rolls are gooey and moist.  They retain their moistness for days, and make an excellent breakfast, lunch, or dinner for the man on the go.  In my bachelor days, I could sustain myself for several days on one pan of Cinna-MAN rolls.  Disciplined bakers know that in order to make a good loaf of bread, they have to give the loaf time to raise in the pan.  These same bakers will apply this rule to making rolls, and the result will be light, fluffy rolls that are delicious when they come out of the oven, but soon dry into fragile, dessicated shells of their former selves.  This is not so with men.  Most men that are capable of getting the rolls to a point where they have actually started to rise get impatient and just roll the dough out and add the butter, cinnamon, sugar, and nuts.  Once they have the rolls cut and placed in the pan, they cannot abide the thought of waiting for the rolls to rise further, so they just throw the rolls in the oven, usually at a much higher temperature than other bakers would dare.  The only snag they run into is not letting the rolls bake for long enough; this is where their impatience will get the better of them.  These rolls usually need to bake at 375 degrees Fahrenheit for at least 25 minutes.  The good news is that they are virtually impossible to burn, which is good for men that are too lazy to check on the rolls until halftime or some other moment when there is nothing good on TV.

The secret ingredient to this dough recipe is oatmeal.  I prefer whole rolled oats, but steel-cut or quick oats will do just fine.  Whenever I make Cinna-MAN rolls I usually find a large bowl and combine

1 Cup rolled oats
1 Cup brown sugar
1 tsp. salt
2 and a little bit cups boiling water
1 TBSP dry activated yeast (when water temperature has cooled to lukewarm)

The original recipe called for 2/3 cup brown sugar to be mixed with 1 cup oats and 2 cups boiling water.  It also called for the the yeast to be mixed ahead of time with 1/3 cup warm water.  Since I am a lazy man, I forego finding a 1/3 measuring cup and just eyeball what I think is 2 1/3 cups boiling water.  Then I measure out the oats, use the same cup to measure the brown sugar, throw what looks like a teaspoon of salt in, and let the mixture sit for roughly the same amount of time it takes to watch the 1st quarter of a football game.  The reason it's important to wait is that if you add the yeast while the water is still boiling hot it will kill the organisms and the rolls won't raise.  However if you wait until the mixture is just slightly warmer than luke-warm, the sugars and protein in the mixture will make the yeast really take off.

Once the yeast has started to bubble and has formed a foamy layer on the top of your mixture, add

3 Tbsp vegetable oil
3 cups flour

Take note that you can use the same measuring cup for your flour that you did for your oats and brown sugar (stay lazy my friends).  Once the flour is in the bowl it is time to grab a wooden spoon and start mixing.  This is where you really need to put the MAN in Cinna-MAN rolls, as it takes some degree of upper body strength to make the mixture homogenous.  Keep adding flour about a 1/2 a cup at a time (again, stay lazy) until the dough starts to roll around the bowl with your spoon.

Carefully remove the excess dough from your spoon with your fingers; use a little flour to keep your fingers from sticking to the dough.

Now it is time to start kneading the dough.  This is a great opportunity to work on your grip; kneading is hard work! Add another skiff of flour to keep the dough from sticking to the sides of the bowl, and use your fingers to elevate the dough on the far side of the bowl, pull the dough towards you, then smash it down with the butt of your hand (if you aren't sure which part of your hand is the butt, see the graphic below).

Repeat this procedure several times, you may need to add flour twice or thrice as the dough becomes sticky.  The idea is to mix the dough thoroughly and activate the gluten, so don't weaken!

When the dough has been sufficiently kneaded, it should sit in a mildly flattened ball and there should be a very thin layer of dough residue on the palm of your hand (butt included).

Dust the dough with flour and roll it around the bowl a couple of times to keep it from sticking.  Wash your hand and cover the dough; it needs to raise for about a half hour (disciplined bakers would say an hour, but disciplined bakers don't know how to make good Cinna-MAN rolls).  Also, take a couple of sticks of butter and a package of cream cheese out of the fridge and set them on the counter.  I'll explain why later.  This is an excellent time to catch some of the football game, watch an episode of M.A.S.H., or play a round of Angry Birds.  Just be sure whatever you do doesn't keep you distracted for more than an hour.

Once the dough has risen to about twice its normal size preheat your oven to 375 degrees Fahrenheit.  Take one of your sticks of butter and melt about half of it in the microwave.  You could use some of this melted butter to grease your counter top, however I'm lazy so I use parchment paper (less mess to clean up).  Drop your dough onto the counter/parchment paper and use a floured rolling pin to spread the dough out into a 1/2 inch thick sheet about 3 times as long as it is wide.

Drizzle the rest of your melted butter onto the dough and spread it evenly over the surface.  Sprinkle copious amounts of cinnamon, brown sugar, and nuts if you like'em, over top of the butter.  Roll the dough up lengthwise, cut the roll in half, then half the halves, then cut each resulting quarter into thirds.  You'll end up with 12 rolls that you will place on end into a greased baking pan or casserole.

Normally I would tell most bakers at this point to resist the temptation to let the rolls raise some more in the pan, but you are men!  You are impatient!  Go right ahead and do what you're dying to do!  Throw those bad boys in the oven, set the timer for 25 minutes and go watch the rest of the ball game!

When the timer goes off, or the ball game is over, whichever comes first, take the rolls out of the oven and set them on a rack or hot pad to cool.

It is at this point that you will want to grab your other stick of butter and cream cheese (assuming they have reached room temperature of course).  Mix the butter and cream cheese together with a blender.  Add a cup of powdered sugar (use the same cup you did for the rolls, you're almost certain to have left it on the counter), a tsp. of vanilla, and a Tbsp. of milk.

 This will make a really unhealthy cream cheese frosting that you can put on the rolls.  Most bakers would wait until the rolls have cooled before they put on the frosting, but for the life of me I don't understand why.  Just slather it on while they're piping hot, it will melt the frosting into the gooey goodness that defines Cinna-MAN rolls.  Be sure to fill your largest beverage container with milk to wash it all down and enjoy!